Failure Can Be a powerful thing

Unpopular opinion- failure can be a powerful thing.

Unpopular opinion- failure can be a powerful thing.

I failed my NCE. And I feel so much shame and embarrassed even sharing this.

After years of working as a therapist, I failed my licensure test by two points. 

I walked out the the testing center and started crying. How could this happen? I tried to blame everything I could.

I blamed my dyslexia and test anxiety. I even googled how to get my test read to me next time.

I blamed the system for making me take a standardized test in the first place. 

I blamed my graduate school for not prepping me better.

I blamed the old man theorist from the 20s because I would never need to know his name in client sessions.

I searched for every excuse to not look within.

The reality was that I didn’t study enough.

I had three years to prep for this exam and I only started studying 6 months ago.

I was so annoyed with the $400 testing fee, that for years I refused to take it. 

I was rebelling against a system that I could not change. I told myself who cares about this title, it is just a new thing next to my name.

I knew I struggled with testing. I normally blackout with anxiety or let my dyslexia reread a question 15 times.

But I did nothing to support myself. 

I did nothing to prep. I didn’t meditate, I didn’t do hypnosis, I didn’t get enough sleep.

These were all choices I made. I let my ego take control of my experience. 

But this forced me to confront some serious themes in my life and reevaluate some of my biggest triggers in life.

What was this failure teaching me? Where was it mirroring some potential spots in the dark?

For me, one thing I needed to do was finally take responsibility for the role I played in this. 

It meant accepting that I could have done a lot more. Not only just by studying but by taking care of my physical and mental self.

The next thing I explored was “being good enough.” Oh, the dreaded phrase “ I am not good enough” rang in my ears for hours.

I know I am a good therapist, I could even feel confident enough to say REALLY GOOD therapist. 

I have been doing this work for years and I live and breathe mental health.

I have worked so hard to get to where I am today. 

Not only with all my trainings, certifications, and thousands of hours of experience but with my own mental health work. The hours I spent crying to my own therapist.

I have put in the work! Even if it is not what the system identifies with. I know this field because I have lived it my entire life. 

I have moved through, death, loss, physical abuse, sexual abuse, substance abuse, panic attacks, and suicide attempts. I was able to move through all of that and still show up as a therapist. 

Because I put in the work. I showed up every day for myself. I confronted so much darkness.

and this work is what makes me a great therapist. I am mirroring to my clients what showing up looks like and how we can find light, even in the darkest times.

I am proving that no matter your past, you can forgive yourself.

I am mirroring how to love you yourself even in the presence of deep shame.

Sometimes failure pushes us even deeper into ourselves. 

Sometimes failure shows us the cracks that haven’t been sealed. 

Sometimes failure can be a powerful thing.